I need to find a way to say no to stopping to see my mother every single day. And more than that, I need to stop feeling guilty about it.
My mother is lonely, blind, and needs help. She's dependent on me to the point where it cripples both of us. When I'm around my mother won't even try to do things for herself. As an exmaple, she makes soup for herself for dinner quite often and manages just fine, but the other evening when I was there I noticed that she needed me to open the can of soup for her. I've heard her turn down offers of help from others by telling them, "That's OK, I'll have my daughter do that." When my brother and his wife were visiting in October, they spent most of one day with her at her apartment while I worked. My daughter Julie went over there for the afternoon as well. When I got off work and stopped by, my mother asked me if I'd gotten the mail yet. All I could think was that three grown adults were sitting with her most of the day, and she waited until I got there to mention the mail.
As I sit here thinking about it, I realize that I've never even seen the house that my daughter Julie lives in this year at school. It's a one-hour drive up to Atlanta, but I haven't made the time for that. And I've only seen my new granddaughter, Aubree, a handful of times (four times to be exact) since she was born a month ago. My extra time is usually taken up by helping my mother, to the point where I rarely even think about others. But I can't completely put the blame on her; I'm permitting her to dominate my time.
I feel guilty even as I write this, and there are lots of people I would never admit this to. I'm resentful over feeling obligated. I resent the fact that she asks me to call her if I'm NOT coming. She makes me feel as though I need to come up with a good excuse for not going to see her and she questions the reasons I give. Over Christmas when my daughter was home from college, I phoned my mom to tell her I wouldn't be stopping by, I was going home right after work because I had promised Julie I'd make her a vegetarian casserole to take back to school. My mother asked, "Can't Julie make her own casserole?" A flash of anger went through me as I replied that it was something I wanted to do for my daughter. Why should I have needed to explain myself?
After spending three hours yesterday afternoon taking my mom shopping, I decided to give myself the day off today. I told her that I wouldn't be over; that Rich and I were planning to drive down to Warner Robins to shop for new kitchen flooring and while there we were going to visit Michelle, Craig and Aubree. With disappointment in her voice, she asked, "Will that take you all day?" I really had to work at stifling the feelings of guilt rising up in me as I told her that yes, it would take all day.
I struggle with feeling that my mom probably won't be around too much longer and I should WANT to spend as much time as possible with her. I wrestle with rationalizing that she took care of me for all those years, now it's my turn to take care of her. I tell myself that a good daughter would be happy to help her mother all she could. Oh, the guilt! I feel it rising in my chest now as I write. How did I get into the position where, except for a very brief and limited conversation at her lunch table every day in which she rarely has much to say, I'm my mom's sole contact with the outside world each day? Why does she put me in this spot by rejecting most of the contact with her neighbors and refusing to participate in the activities where she lives?
I feel a huge burden, with nobody to share it with me. I need to find a way to just lay the burden down more often and give myself a rest, without feeling guilty when I do it. I do plenty, and I deserve a break! I need to make those words my mantra and keep repeating them to myself: I do plenty, and I deserve a break!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Friday, January 6, 2012
2012 will be the year I...
Hmmmm. Is it my imagination or are these questions starting to sound repetitive? Or is it my answers that are repetitive? I've written about my aspirations to pay off debt, plan more activities with my hubby, conquer my fear and get back on my bike, improve my diet, enjoy my new role as grandmother, reconcile with my brother, plan for retirement, and widen my local circle of friends. I feel tapped out on goals! Plus I have a fear that, just as with a long daily "to-do list," if I have too many goals, I'll end up unable to focus and will attain none of them.
So let me just say this. It’s my goal in 2012 not to worry about these prompts! There’s been a whiny little voice in my head lately that nags, “You’re a week behind on your blog” or “You left those two unanswered prompts last month,” etc., etc. You get the picture. To that voice, I’d like to say, “Knock it off!”
There are so many positive qualities to my blog. I love the insight it provides into problems and events in my life. It helps me to flesh out and develop how I really feel about issues and situations. Not to mention that it’s a great creative outlet that allows me to practice writing without having to come up with my own topic every day. But here’s the rub: writing in my blog can take a lot of time and energy, and thus can easily turn from a passion into an obsession for me. And if that should happen, it will tragically lose all sense of joy.
So here’s the short list I’ve come up with to prevent that from occurring:
So let me just say this. It’s my goal in 2012 not to worry about these prompts! There’s been a whiny little voice in my head lately that nags, “You’re a week behind on your blog” or “You left those two unanswered prompts last month,” etc., etc. You get the picture. To that voice, I’d like to say, “Knock it off!”
There are so many positive qualities to my blog. I love the insight it provides into problems and events in my life. It helps me to flesh out and develop how I really feel about issues and situations. Not to mention that it’s a great creative outlet that allows me to practice writing without having to come up with my own topic every day. But here’s the rub: writing in my blog can take a lot of time and energy, and thus can easily turn from a passion into an obsession for me. And if that should happen, it will tragically lose all sense of joy.
So here’s the short list I’ve come up with to prevent that from occurring:
· Return to my initial practice of strictly spending 10-15 minutes a day on the prompts.
· Realize that everyone gets writer’s block from time to time, and there will be prompts that don’t inspire me or that just plain don’t evoke any significant thoughts or ponderings.
· Likewise there will be prompts that I’d love to write about but that aren’t presented. As these come to mind, keep a list, pull them out and choose one when the given prompts seem repetitive or unmotivating.
· Remember that it’s an exercise meant to be fun! I control the blog, it doesn’t control me!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
This year it is my intention to let go of...
... sweating the small stuff. The stuff that often irritates me on a daily basis, but when I look at the big picture of life, it really doesn't amount to a hill of beans. For example....
My department at work is comprised mostly of women and there's a lot of gossip and talking behind others' backs which is basically initiated by one person. I already ignore it and isolate myself when it's going on, but I let it bother me. I know I'm not going to change it; I need to stop letting it ruin my day.
My husband has a tendency to pontificate in a loud voice when he dislikes or disagrees with what I'm saying. You'd think I'd be used to it after all these years, but there are still times when I internalize it and feel that he's talking down to me. I need to knock it off, quit taking it personally, and see it for what it is... his way of expressing his opinion.
My mother assigns my retired brother to "walking on water" status whereas I'm the worker bee. The other night we needed his help in recalling something about her finances. I suggested that we call him to ask. My mother checked her watch and quickly said, "Well, it's probably his dinner time now and I don't want to interrupt him." Never mind that I had just worked all day, had spent the last hour and a half helping her, and it should also have been MY dinner time. At that point, I immediately asserted myself in the kindest way possible, told her it had been a long day for me and I really need to go home, fix my dinner and relax. I left, but I carried the resentment with me and stewed about the inequality of the situation, and that's where I need to stop. It is what it is.
I want to quit making huge resentments out of aggravations. If I could learn to do this successfully, I'd be a happier person in 2012.
My department at work is comprised mostly of women and there's a lot of gossip and talking behind others' backs which is basically initiated by one person. I already ignore it and isolate myself when it's going on, but I let it bother me. I know I'm not going to change it; I need to stop letting it ruin my day.
My husband has a tendency to pontificate in a loud voice when he dislikes or disagrees with what I'm saying. You'd think I'd be used to it after all these years, but there are still times when I internalize it and feel that he's talking down to me. I need to knock it off, quit taking it personally, and see it for what it is... his way of expressing his opinion.
My mother assigns my retired brother to "walking on water" status whereas I'm the worker bee. The other night we needed his help in recalling something about her finances. I suggested that we call him to ask. My mother checked her watch and quickly said, "Well, it's probably his dinner time now and I don't want to interrupt him." Never mind that I had just worked all day, had spent the last hour and a half helping her, and it should also have been MY dinner time. At that point, I immediately asserted myself in the kindest way possible, told her it had been a long day for me and I really need to go home, fix my dinner and relax. I left, but I carried the resentment with me and stewed about the inequality of the situation, and that's where I need to stop. It is what it is.
I want to quit making huge resentments out of aggravations. If I could learn to do this successfully, I'd be a happier person in 2012.
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
This year I will nurture myself with...
A lot of my nurturing in 2012 will probably center around the best present I received this Christmas--the gift of becoming a first-time grandmother.
I have to admit to some initial apprehension at taking on the moniker of "Grandma." The name evokes visions of a short, wrinkled woman with curly, grayish-blue hair and the scent of White Shoulders perfume in the air. I don't feel like I'm anything close to this; hopefully I don't look anything close to this! But when a co-worker recently asked me if becoming a grandmother makes me feel old, I had to smile. Because if I were to sum up my new status of grandmother thus far, the word "old" is far from my mind, but the words "appreciative" and "appreciated" are what stand out.
I'm appreciative for no longer being the harried, overwhelmed new mother who can't see the forest for the trees. I now have the wisdom to see the forest quite clearly. I'm well aware that I need to hang on to every precious moment with my grandchild because I know how fleeting the time is from changing her poopy diapers to sending her off to college.
Being a grandmother conjures up long-forgotten memories of my own children--memories that I'm grateful to relive. As I held Aubree yesterday, a gummy little crooked smile crossed her face and melted my heart. I had forgotten all about those sweet newborn smiles. And I had to chuckle when she protested vigorously every time I sat down. She prefers that I stand and carry her around, loving the constant movement just like her mother did as a baby.
Becoming a grandmother has allowed me to be closer to my daughter. We're united by a new, common love and we're on the same team in wanting the very best for Aubree that life has to offer. I feel as though Michelle has a new understanding of the challenges and the overwhelming sense of responsibility I once faced in becoming a mother for the first time. She calls me at various times during the day, wanting to share small moments or to ask my opinion. It's nice to feel that new wave of appreciation.
Holding Aubree, I feel an intense connection to both the past and the future. It's amazing to contemplate the repetition and the cycle of life that the birth of a new baby evokes. I look into her eyes and see vestiges of my Grandmother Simmons, who I loved dearly. And I think about the day that Aubree herself may become a grandmother, when I'm no longer inhabiting this earth. I hope with all my heart that she looks into her grandchild's eyes and thinks of me.
I'm discovering that the sense of nurturing and being nurtured is reciprocal between a grandparent and a grandchild. It's a chance to savor and commit all those sweet moments to memory once again, minus the intense, time-pressured haze of being a parent and one step removed from the day-to-day responsibilities. In that way, it's a unique relationship like no other and I'm so lucky to experience it.
I have to admit to some initial apprehension at taking on the moniker of "Grandma." The name evokes visions of a short, wrinkled woman with curly, grayish-blue hair and the scent of White Shoulders perfume in the air. I don't feel like I'm anything close to this; hopefully I don't look anything close to this! But when a co-worker recently asked me if becoming a grandmother makes me feel old, I had to smile. Because if I were to sum up my new status of grandmother thus far, the word "old" is far from my mind, but the words "appreciative" and "appreciated" are what stand out.
I'm appreciative for no longer being the harried, overwhelmed new mother who can't see the forest for the trees. I now have the wisdom to see the forest quite clearly. I'm well aware that I need to hang on to every precious moment with my grandchild because I know how fleeting the time is from changing her poopy diapers to sending her off to college.
Being a grandmother conjures up long-forgotten memories of my own children--memories that I'm grateful to relive. As I held Aubree yesterday, a gummy little crooked smile crossed her face and melted my heart. I had forgotten all about those sweet newborn smiles. And I had to chuckle when she protested vigorously every time I sat down. She prefers that I stand and carry her around, loving the constant movement just like her mother did as a baby.
Becoming a grandmother has allowed me to be closer to my daughter. We're united by a new, common love and we're on the same team in wanting the very best for Aubree that life has to offer. I feel as though Michelle has a new understanding of the challenges and the overwhelming sense of responsibility I once faced in becoming a mother for the first time. She calls me at various times during the day, wanting to share small moments or to ask my opinion. It's nice to feel that new wave of appreciation.
Holding Aubree, I feel an intense connection to both the past and the future. It's amazing to contemplate the repetition and the cycle of life that the birth of a new baby evokes. I look into her eyes and see vestiges of my Grandmother Simmons, who I loved dearly. And I think about the day that Aubree herself may become a grandmother, when I'm no longer inhabiting this earth. I hope with all my heart that she looks into her grandchild's eyes and thinks of me.
I'm discovering that the sense of nurturing and being nurtured is reciprocal between a grandparent and a grandchild. It's a chance to savor and commit all those sweet moments to memory once again, minus the intense, time-pressured haze of being a parent and one step removed from the day-to-day responsibilities. In that way, it's a unique relationship like no other and I'm so lucky to experience it.
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
This year I will seek help from...
I've alluded to this previously, but I intend to seek help my fitness instructor regarding a healthy diet. I belonged to Weight Watchers in the past and I know about portion control and calculating fat vs. fiber vs. calories. But when it comes down to it, my healthy food knowledge and in particular, my knowledge about how to fix that healthy food, is pretty limited. What I especially need advice about are some healthy, easy-to-prepare meals that are quick to throw together at the end of a work day. I've got breakfast and lunch pretty well covered. Where I falter is at dinner time, when I arrive home already starving and I start snacking on whatever is available before I've even decided on what I'm going to make for dinner.
One hurdle I need to get over is to reconcile how my husband prefers to eat with how I want to eat. He's notorious for going to Sam's Club and buying things like a super huge bag of M&Ms, then handily leaving it out on the counter to taunt me every time I walk into the kitchen. There's one of those bags happily residing in our kitchen now, alongside a colossal box of individually wrapped cinnamon rolls, also from Sam's Club. The rolls I can avoid pretty easily, but it sure is easy to just grab a handful of M&Ms every time I walk through the kitchen! I've suggested that he put them in a cupboard--even though I'll know where they are, out-of-sight/out-of-mind usually works for me. But somehow, they always get left out on the counter again. My husband is also a strict meat-and-potatoes kind of guy--no fruits or vegetables for him. In fact, no casseroles or noodles for him, either. So except for a few foods that we agree on and prepare together occasionally, we pretty much each do our own thing when it comes to meal preparation.
Life would sure be great if, like Oprah, I had my own personal chef to fix and prepare calorie-conscious, wholesome meals for me every night when I come home from work! But, alas, I'm my own personal chef and solely in charge of what I put in my mouth. So I think some further nutritional education is in order!
One hurdle I need to get over is to reconcile how my husband prefers to eat with how I want to eat. He's notorious for going to Sam's Club and buying things like a super huge bag of M&Ms, then handily leaving it out on the counter to taunt me every time I walk into the kitchen. There's one of those bags happily residing in our kitchen now, alongside a colossal box of individually wrapped cinnamon rolls, also from Sam's Club. The rolls I can avoid pretty easily, but it sure is easy to just grab a handful of M&Ms every time I walk through the kitchen! I've suggested that he put them in a cupboard--even though I'll know where they are, out-of-sight/out-of-mind usually works for me. But somehow, they always get left out on the counter again. My husband is also a strict meat-and-potatoes kind of guy--no fruits or vegetables for him. In fact, no casseroles or noodles for him, either. So except for a few foods that we agree on and prepare together occasionally, we pretty much each do our own thing when it comes to meal preparation.
Life would sure be great if, like Oprah, I had my own personal chef to fix and prepare calorie-conscious, wholesome meals for me every night when I come home from work! But, alas, I'm my own personal chef and solely in charge of what I put in my mouth. So I think some further nutritional education is in order!
Monday, January 2, 2012
In 2012 I am going to...
Just as with getting back on the proverbial horse, in 2012 I'm going to get back on the ol' bike and ride again. This is no small task because ever since my bike/dog accident last June, there's nothing scarier to me than a snapping, snarling dog with teeth bared lunging toward me when I'm on my bike. However, I'm determined not to let the Georgia rednecks who permit their dogs to run wild stop me! I'll buy an ultrasonic whistle and if that doesn't work, I'll find something else to try until I find a solution.
Frankly, I've had it up to my eyeballs with the situation. No more Mrs. Nice Guy--the next dog that does me harm, I'll take the owners to court. It seems to be the only thing that might get their attention. I was nice letting the guy whose dog bit me make payments for my medical bills. He quit sending me the money halfway through. The second guy with the dog who put me in the hospital got off scot-free. He was living in a hotel room and handily vanished after the accident. Maybe with any luck there won't be a third time although I have to say, I do appear to be a dog magnet!
I missed going on my week-long ride to Oklahoma in 2011 due to my June accident, but I did do a 3-day weekend ride In Columbus, Georgia last October. So I've had some post-accident riding experience, but it's been limited. I've only ridden in the area around my house (the real danger zone) once since last June. I truly have to gear up mentally, talk myself into it, and get over the fear. I can't postpone because fear feeds on itself, and it will only get harder and harder to start again. The police officer who investigated the biting incident told me not to let it stop me from riding, and I intend to keep following his advice.
So once the weather gets a little warmer, I'll don my Spandex and pedal into the wild blue yonder once again, heart racing and palms sweating. But I know it will get easier each time I ride, and I'll find a way to build my confidence again.
Frankly, I've had it up to my eyeballs with the situation. No more Mrs. Nice Guy--the next dog that does me harm, I'll take the owners to court. It seems to be the only thing that might get their attention. I was nice letting the guy whose dog bit me make payments for my medical bills. He quit sending me the money halfway through. The second guy with the dog who put me in the hospital got off scot-free. He was living in a hotel room and handily vanished after the accident. Maybe with any luck there won't be a third time although I have to say, I do appear to be a dog magnet!
I missed going on my week-long ride to Oklahoma in 2011 due to my June accident, but I did do a 3-day weekend ride In Columbus, Georgia last October. So I've had some post-accident riding experience, but it's been limited. I've only ridden in the area around my house (the real danger zone) once since last June. I truly have to gear up mentally, talk myself into it, and get over the fear. I can't postpone because fear feeds on itself, and it will only get harder and harder to start again. The police officer who investigated the biting incident told me not to let it stop me from riding, and I intend to keep following his advice.
So once the weather gets a little warmer, I'll don my Spandex and pedal into the wild blue yonder once again, heart racing and palms sweating. But I know it will get easier each time I ride, and I'll find a way to build my confidence again.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Choose a word that will represent 2012 for you. Now write about it.
I was trying to come up with a magical, all-encompassing word and I finally settled on gratitude. I think it requires practice in order to make feelings of gratitude a habit. It definitely isn't always my first thought in any given situation, particularly in negative ones.
But gratitude actually has a ton of benefits. It's a positivity magnet, allowing me to see the glass as half full; to find the silver lining. It's a mood lifter that can bring me up when I'm feeling down. Gratitude allows me to extract more out of life; to value each day and make the most of it. Of course, by increasing positivity, gratitude cuts down on negativity. It leaves no room for those deadly qualities of envy, greed, and comparison.
Expressing gratitude can undoubtedly improve relationships. I'm talking about going beyond the social convention of the polite "thank you" that I learned as a child (although that's important too) and really telling someone how much I appreciate them for their contributions, their talents and their actions--and just for being THEM. It promotes feelings of mutual cooperation and support besides making a huge difference in their day... and mine.
Once I'm focusing on what I have rather than what I don't have, and what's going right for me rather than what's wrong, I'll be able to move beyond myself more often. It's at this point that gratitude fosters generosity and benevolence. Charity and volunteering are activities I value and always want to do more often.
When I think about gratitude in these terms, it's a practice that's equally as beneficial to the person expressing it as the recipient. Perhaps moreso. Gratitude is definitely a habit I'd like to cultivate in 2012.
But gratitude actually has a ton of benefits. It's a positivity magnet, allowing me to see the glass as half full; to find the silver lining. It's a mood lifter that can bring me up when I'm feeling down. Gratitude allows me to extract more out of life; to value each day and make the most of it. Of course, by increasing positivity, gratitude cuts down on negativity. It leaves no room for those deadly qualities of envy, greed, and comparison.
Expressing gratitude can undoubtedly improve relationships. I'm talking about going beyond the social convention of the polite "thank you" that I learned as a child (although that's important too) and really telling someone how much I appreciate them for their contributions, their talents and their actions--and just for being THEM. It promotes feelings of mutual cooperation and support besides making a huge difference in their day... and mine.
Once I'm focusing on what I have rather than what I don't have, and what's going right for me rather than what's wrong, I'll be able to move beyond myself more often. It's at this point that gratitude fosters generosity and benevolence. Charity and volunteering are activities I value and always want to do more often.
When I think about gratitude in these terms, it's a practice that's equally as beneficial to the person expressing it as the recipient. Perhaps moreso. Gratitude is definitely a habit I'd like to cultivate in 2012.
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