I need to find a way to say no to stopping to see my mother every single day. And more than that, I need to stop feeling guilty about it.
My mother is lonely, blind, and needs help. She's dependent on me to the point where it cripples both of us. When I'm around my mother won't even try to do things for herself. As an exmaple, she makes soup for herself for dinner quite often and manages just fine, but the other evening when I was there I noticed that she needed me to open the can of soup for her. I've heard her turn down offers of help from others by telling them, "That's OK, I'll have my daughter do that." When my brother and his wife were visiting in October, they spent most of one day with her at her apartment while I worked. My daughter Julie went over there for the afternoon as well. When I got off work and stopped by, my mother asked me if I'd gotten the mail yet. All I could think was that three grown adults were sitting with her most of the day, and she waited until I got there to mention the mail.
As I sit here thinking about it, I realize that I've never even seen the house that my daughter Julie lives in this year at school. It's a one-hour drive up to Atlanta, but I haven't made the time for that. And I've only seen my new granddaughter, Aubree, a handful of times (four times to be exact) since she was born a month ago. My extra time is usually taken up by helping my mother, to the point where I rarely even think about others. But I can't completely put the blame on her; I'm permitting her to dominate my time.
I feel guilty even as I write this, and there are lots of people I would never admit this to. I'm resentful over feeling obligated. I resent the fact that she asks me to call her if I'm NOT coming. She makes me feel as though I need to come up with a good excuse for not going to see her and she questions the reasons I give. Over Christmas when my daughter was home from college, I phoned my mom to tell her I wouldn't be stopping by, I was going home right after work because I had promised Julie I'd make her a vegetarian casserole to take back to school. My mother asked, "Can't Julie make her own casserole?" A flash of anger went through me as I replied that it was something I wanted to do for my daughter. Why should I have needed to explain myself?
After spending three hours yesterday afternoon taking my mom shopping, I decided to give myself the day off today. I told her that I wouldn't be over; that Rich and I were planning to drive down to Warner Robins to shop for new kitchen flooring and while there we were going to visit Michelle, Craig and Aubree. With disappointment in her voice, she asked, "Will that take you all day?" I really had to work at stifling the feelings of guilt rising up in me as I told her that yes, it would take all day.
I struggle with feeling that my mom probably won't be around too much longer and I should WANT to spend as much time as possible with her. I wrestle with rationalizing that she took care of me for all those years, now it's my turn to take care of her. I tell myself that a good daughter would be happy to help her mother all she could. Oh, the guilt! I feel it rising in my chest now as I write. How did I get into the position where, except for a very brief and limited conversation at her lunch table every day in which she rarely has much to say, I'm my mom's sole contact with the outside world each day? Why does she put me in this spot by rejecting most of the contact with her neighbors and refusing to participate in the activities where she lives?
I feel a huge burden, with nobody to share it with me. I need to find a way to just lay the burden down more often and give myself a rest, without feeling guilty when I do it. I do plenty, and I deserve a break! I need to make those words my mantra and keep repeating them to myself: I do plenty, and I deserve a break!
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