Hate is a pretty strong word, so I might have to tone that down a little bit to “strongly dislike.” Unfortunately, my love/strong dislike relationship is with my only sibling, and rather than being confined to the past, it’s still ongoing.
From my standpoint, he and I did our share of fighting as kids, but I loved my brother without question. I never really felt there was any kind of competition going on for our parents’ affections. My mother bent over backward to make sure we were treated equally. It wasn’t until years later that I realized that my brother has an entirely different viewpoint from mine.
He stayed in Michigan, where he married and raised his kids, while I moved to California and started a family. When our parents retired, they moved to Arizona, so my family saw them quite a bit more than his did, being in closer proximity. Three years after we moved to Georgia, our parents relocated to Florida. So again we were in fairly close proximity. My dad died a year after their move.
As my oldest daughter went through some rough teenage years, I confided in my mother. She was a good sounding board and had a knack for comforting me, for making me feel that I wasn’t alone and that there were many parents dealing with things worse than what I was going through. During this time my brother and I had drifted away from one another. Our families saw each other maybe once every two or three years, usually at Christmas time. There were few phone calls between us.
One fall afternoon after returning home from an afternoon out, I had a phone message from my brother asking me to please return his call. I was happy to hear from him and immediately called him back. I was in for the shock of a lifetime when he unexpectedly let me have it. He told me that he was sick and tired of hearing about my kids from our mother, especially about my oldest daughter. In fact, he was so sick of hearing mom defend her that he had just told our mother some things he had learned about her from his own daughter. Things she had done that I didn’t even know about—things that I still don’t know to this day. He thought I needed to quit confiding in our mother because she was getting older and didn’t need to worry about my problems. He said that our parents had always been partial to me and had done a lot more for me, so now I needed to help mom. In his words, “It’s your turn for payback.”
When I hung up the phone I was stunned. And I cried… for days. This was followed by a series of emails between us with lots of hurtful things and ugly words said. I was in full defense mode; he was in full attack mode. I told him he owed me an apology; he said I’d never get one.
We didn’t see each other or talk on the phone again for another five years. Then I was planning a bike ride in Michigan, which started not far from where he lived. I cautiously emailed him and his wife, explaining that I’d be in the area for one night during the ride and maybe we could get together. There was no word from them, no invitation to spend the night or get together for dinner. It just so happened that my niece called soon after that, asking for help with a college project. She expressed interest in seeing me while I was in Michigan. When I told her that I was having some transportation issues, she offered to give me a ride to the starting point. I thanked her and told her I’d let her know. A day later I received a scathing email from my brother. “You haven’t been up here to see us for years; now you’re planning on spending just one evening with us and asking us to be your limo driver.” Again, hurtful words, but rather than reacting with tears this time I could feel the anger rising. I picked up the phone and called him. We hashed it out and came to a cautious truce. I took him up on their belated invitation to spend the night, but I found alternative transportation to the starting point.
Our relationship has gotten only slightly better since then. I never did get an apology, but that’s not even important to me anymore. It’s the remaining underlying feeling of distrust and betrayal that causes me pain. I sometimes wonder if our dad’s death somehow contributed to my brother’s feelings of inequality. I’m no psychologist, but maybe there was some unfinished business and deep-seated issues there that he regrets.
I’ve heard it said that your relationship with your sibling is most likely the longest relationship you’ll have in your lifetime. And your sibling is one of a handful of people who knows you best. It hurts my heart to think that one of the most important relationships in my life may be damaged beyond repair.
No comments:
Post a Comment