When Rich and I were going through a painfully difficult time in our relationship, we went to marriage counseling for awhile. Actually, it started out as family counseling for a few sessions and then dwindled down to just the two of us. One of the things the therapist had us practice in her office was the classic method of mirroring. One of us would begin with an "I" statement; a simplistic example would be "I feel angry when you don't pick your clothes up off the floor." The other person listens and repeats what their partner just stated ("You feel angry when I don't pick my clothes up off the floor"), then asks if there's anything else. This pattern is repeated until the first person has said everything they want to say, then it's the other person's turn to begin talking with an "I" statement.
At first this routine seemed awkward and repetitive. But I began understanding its value when I realized how often we failed to mirror back correctly. We'd put a slight twist on the other person's words, or add a little of our own interpretation which might or might not be correct. It wasn't as simple as we had originally thought. It was also difficult to be the one doing all the listening with no chance to respond until the other person was done talking. And it was harder than it seems to start all our thoughts and sentences with "I" rather than the accusatory "you."
Mirroring is actually an important relationship and communication skill, whether it's actually done verbally as above or silently. It doesn't allow for accusations. Instead, it fosters the ability to experience the world through your partner's eyes, while still holding on to your own perspective. If you can't mirror what your partner says, you can't relate to the other person's internal reality; you only relate to your version of it.
In my head I know its value, but I have to admit that I haven't thought about it or consciously used it in a long time. I need to start putting it into practice once again.
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