My husband and I struck a deal several years ago at the urging of a marriage counselor. You see, I've always been a list-maker. And right in there with the omnipresent "to-do" lists were those of the "honey-do" variety. The thing was, I knew better than to hand Rich an entire list of tasks to do unless I wanted to start World War III! So instead, I'd chip away at the lists one item at a time by leaving little sticky notes for him on the kitchen table. They'd say things like, "Could you please start the laundry before I get home? Thanks! Love you!" Of course, I'd be sure to ask nicely, using the requisite please, thank you and I love you. Rich's work days have always begun and ended several hours before mine have, so I was never around to see his reaction to the notes. This was undoubtedly for the best! My little strategy worked maybe 50% of the time. Sometimes he'd do the chore, other times he'd ignore the notes for days on end.
To my chagrin, once we began counseling it came out how much he hated those little notes. He resented being told what to do, and I had to admit that I could see his point. My mother used to leave notes for my brother and me every Friday, listing the weekend chores she wanted us to do when we got home from school. We detested those Friday afternoon notes! When it was my turn to explain myself in the counseling session, I told how overwhelming it felt to work all day and then spend the majority of my time at home doing household chores. I believed I was doing much more than my share, and unless I directly asked Rich to do a particular task, he'd often sit and watch TV when he got home and it apparently wouldn't cross his mind to actually look around and see how he could help.
The deal we struck was this: I would stop leaving the notes if he would make it a special point to take some initiative, give thought to household chores that needed attention, and work on getting them done. We started out small; his goal was to do one thing per day. He had to begin thinking about things like, "OK, it's Wednesday night, so the trash needs to be emptied and put out on the curb" rather than waiting for me to remind him. We've always gone grocery shopping together, but now he had to recall what we bought, decide on something to have for dinner, and take his turn in preparing the evening meal without waiting for me to say, "Why don't you get the lasagna out of the freezer and put it in the oven before I get home?"
We've definitely had some rough patches, and he's slid back into his old ways a few times. But for the most part, he's gotten much better about doing his share of chores around the house. He can scrub a mean shower! Most Fridays when I come home from work, he's already started the laundry. Of course, I've had to overlook a few things--like the time he shrunk my favorite black and white sweater that I always hung to dry. But it's actually a small price to pay for no longer feeling quite so overwhelmed and overworked. I've lived up to my end of the bargain and rarely do I leave notes anymore. Mind you, I haven't stopped making lists; they're an intrinsic part of my personality. But they're for my eyes only.
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