It's probably very telling that I can't think of an answer to this question. Oh sure, I request help for a number of minor things... asking my husband for help with my car, asking a co-worker for help with a work problem that I can't seem to solve. But when it comes to the important, major things I tend to flounder and struggle along on my own until I'm way past my breaking point. I was literally at the end of my rope both times I finally broke down and went to marriage and family counselors. I was helped in the long run; but if I could only learn to take action and ask for assistance as soon as I need it rather than waiting, I might avoid a lot of misery in the meantime.
A case in point when I should have asked for help but didn't took place in December when my mother was hospitalized. Being a blind, elderly lady, she definitely needed an advocate with her in the hospital at all times. I'm the only family member living in the area, but I was balancing a full-time job, not enough time off, and a first grandchild about to be born all at the same time. Not to mention the fact that it was just a couple weeks before Christmas. I was overwhelmed, stressed out, and stretched beyond my limits. My brother and sister-in-law, both retired, were at their home up in Michigan, calling me on a daily basis and asking for updates on mom, but not once offering to come down and help. My husband was urging me to ask them for assistance, and I was considering it but never did. So what held me back? Did I think that:
a. Asking for help is a sign of weakness and I should instead be superwoman and handle everything on my own or
b. Asking for help inconveniences other people; things really aren't that bad and I should make every attempt to handle the situation rather than expecting them to go to any trouble.
Answer a just isn't me at all; I have no illusions that I'm superwoman. But I do recognize myself in answer b. I hate to trouble others, to the point of being ridiculously unfair to myself. In the case involving my mom, I'd also have to throw in the factor of past problems between me and my brother, making me more fearful of upsetting the delicate applecart between us yet again. As it turns out, he would surely have rejected my request for help. It was during the same week that he attended a long-awaited reunion with a group of 1960s activitists he admires. He never would have given up that opportunity. Had I asked and he turned me down, I would have added an extra load of anger and bitterness onto the already huge burden I was carrying at the time.
I guess in the future, for my own peace of mind, I need to go ahead and just take the risk. For my own mental health, I should ask for the help I need no matter what the situation is or who I'm asking, and let the cards fall where they may. Easy words to say; not so easy to follow through.
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