"One forgives to the degree that one loves." ~ La Rochefaucould Who have you forgiven?

I would like to say that I've forgiven my brother, but I'm just not sure that is 100% true. I know I'm headed in the right direction, but I'm not completely there yet. The emotional charge from being hurt is not totally gone. My motivation to accomplish forgiveness stems not only from wanting a good relationship with my only sibling but also from my belief in the saying that "holding a grudge is letting someone live rent-free in your head." Who needs that?

I know better than to sit around waiting for an apology in order to forgive. Mike already told me that won't happen. So I have to find a way to cancel the debt without the apology--a way to quit holding him responsible for paying for my pain. Perhaps it would be easier and quicker to forgive if we lived closer and I saw him more often, but ultimately that's not an excuse.

I was reading an article about how to tell when you've truly forgiven someone. Here are the seven steps listed and how I'm faring with each one of them:

When the first thought you have about them is not the injury they caused in your life.  Yes, most of the time now I can have normal, everyday thoughts about my brother without rehashing our problems.

Would you help them if you knew they were in trouble and you had the ability? Yes, I'm sure that I would assist him in any way I could if he needed help.

Can you think positive thoughts about this person? Yes, I can and do smile when thinking about certain things my brother has said and done, both before and after our problems.

Do you still think of getting even with the person? No, those thoughts stopped some time ago and even when I was having them, I knew I'd never act on them.

When you have stopped looking for them to fail. OK, I have to admit to making mental notes to myself when I see or hear of my brother doing the same sorts of things he accused me of doing. But he's the person who originally considered these things failures, not me. I just find it interesting that he apparently only considers them failures when applied to me. And yes, I do fantasize about pointing this out to him but have never done so.

Does the transgression come up again in a heated conversation? We haven't had a heated conversation in a few years now. But if I became upset with him over something else, I'm afraid I couldn't absolutely guarantee that I wouldn't use the injury he caused me as ammunition.

Do you still anticipate them doing what they did before?  This is a big one for me. Yes, unfortunately I still anticipate and fear a repeat performance. In fact, I've had dreams about it. I definitely have some unresolved trust issues.

So, I've conquered four of the seven steps. I'm making progress, but I obviously have some work to do yet in the forgiveness arena!